The crack JSFL Today staff and its humongous supercomputer have been calculating all possible scenarios that could unfold in the final three weeks of the regular season. The conclusion? We got nothing.
Blayze is praying that Bob doesn't back out on yet another trade, this one for Ezekiel Elliott.
That supercomputer cranked all night. And, nada. Zip. Zilch. The best we can come up is the reality that 9 wins, likely, will be needed to advance to the playoffs. Win 8, and you likely are sitting on the couch watching Chris Zimnoch’s Recliners lay out the rest of the league.
If we teed things up today, the Recliners (9-3) would be hosting the Tirades (6-6), and the Blazing Saddles (7-5 and currently one game clear of the Tirades and Pack for the division title and automatic bid) would be hosting the Santa Monica Spread Beaters (7-5). Yeah, like that really is going to happen. Those four teams, after the mess that unfurled in Week 12, are the odds-on favorites at this point to advance. The Recliners are, for all intents and purposes, in. They hold a 2-game lead over the Spread Beaters with 3 to go. Win one more, or a Spread Beater loss, and the division title is Chris’.
ESPN currently gives the Spread Beaters an 87-percent chance to advance, followed, in order of probability, by the Blazing Saddles (71-percent chance) and the Tirades (55-percent chance). Lurking with outside chances to force their way in are the Lambert brothers. The Packers (6-6) are given a 42-percent chance, and the Rangers (6-6) have a 32-percent chance. Those last two teams likely will have to win out, or will need a lot of help if they only take two of the last three.
The Gerbils (5-7), after a deathly loss to the Pack last week, have an 8-percent chance to advance. The Pillow Biters (5-7), after an embarrassing loss to the Invalids last week, have a 3-percent chance, and even those gawd-awful Invalids (5-7) still harbor a 2-percent chance. The Band Aids (4-8), now with no chance at 8 wins, have a 1-percent chance.
So, you are saying there is a chance?
OK, let’s be realistic here. The chances graciously given to the Gerbils, Pillow Biters, Invalids and Band Aids are about in the same stratosphere as, say, Vern being nominated the Democratic challenger to Joe Biden for President in 2024, combined with his chances to take up residence on the PGA Senior Tour. In the same year. Yeah, way, way out there in a galaxy far, far away.
Here are some of the landmines that stand between the contenders and the pretenders in the final three weeks of the 2022 season.
The Blazing Saddles looks to have the easiest path after a death match this week with the Pack. Blayze closes with the two lowest-scoring teams in the league – the Invalids, who hung 100 on the Pillow Biters last week, and those aforementioned Pillow Biters.
The Spread Beaters may have to win in the final week to get in. Pringle gets the Band Aids this week, the Invalids (win) next week, and close with the Rangers.
The Tirades should dispatch of the Gerbils this week, and then close with the Pack and Band Aids.
The Pack, after taking on Blayze, gets the Tirades and then the Pillow Biters.
The Rangers get the Invalids this week (win) and then close with the division-leading Recliners and the Spread Beaters.
Late-breaking news – The purge by the Band Aids continued this week as he shipped RB Ezekiel Elliott (are you sure you want to trade Zeke? Just checking … ) to the Blazing Saddles for Michael Carter and Blayze’s 10th-round pick in 2023. Or until he backs out of yet another trade. We'll have to wait and see.
This week, we go back to some “bye” challenges. Only two teams are on vacation this week -- the Arizona Cardinals and Carolina Panthers. Those two crappy teams don’t impact much of the action on the docket this week.
On Thursday night, the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots square off. Good luck, gentlemen. Adjust those lineups accordingly and don’t punch, gouge, curse or manhandle (unless you are playing the Invalids).
Game of the Week
Packers (-7) vs. Saddles: All eyes will be on Del Mar this week as the Packers are the early favorites against the division-leading Blazing Saddles. It appears Blayze is going back to the “Herbert” well once more, as he appears to have a more favorable matchup at Las Vegas than Tua does at San Francisco. The Thursday night game (Josh Allen for the Pack) at New England and the Sunday afternoon Chargers/Raiders game will carry a lot of weight in this one as the Pack counters Herbert with Josh Jacobs, who is projected to be the highest-scoring RB in this matchup. We don’t expect to see the recently traded-for Zeke Elliott to get the nod over Aaron Jones for Blayze, but that is a potential matchup to watch. Big-time receivers (Deebo Samuel and Jamar Chase for the Pack; and Mike Evans and D.K. Metcalf for the Saddles) line up in this one and likely will determine the winner. The edge in both the RBs and WRs favor The Pack. Take the Pack and 5 and let’s have a 3-way tie for first at 7-6 between the Pack, Saddles and Tirades with two to go. Woo hoo!
The Rest of the Best
Tirades (-16) vs Gerbils: Is it too early to say “This is a must-win game” for the Tirades? Nope. Every game is a must-win now. I think we passed that threshold last week when he stumbled against the Saddles, and in Week 10 the (LOL!) Band Aids. If the Tirades’ owner can keep from benching high-scoring RBs (he left 27 points from Miles Sanders on the sidelines last week and left a similar bundle on the bench with Dalvin Cook in the Band Aids loss), he should win this one easily. He currently is handing the ball to Dalvin and Patriots RB Rhamondre Stevenson this week, with Sanders riding the pine at press time. The Tirades might get Mike Williams back at WR this week, and that should provide the scoring punch he needs with Stephon Diggs and Travis Kelce to bury Chuck, and end the Gerbil season for good. As we all know, it is tough to bury a Gerbil. Take the Tirades (gulp) and 8
Recliners (-9) vs. Pillow Biters: The sneaky game this week might be right here. Huey has had some good scoring efforts over the past few weeks, but he had an absolute turkey over Thanksgiving. With the Cardinals on vacation this week, Huey hands the reigns at QB over to Dak Prescott, which could be a double-duty punch if most of his scoring goes to Pillow WR Ceedee Lamb. But, the staff still thinks the scoring punch the Recliners have at RB – Joe Mixon and Saquon Barkley – is too much for Huey to overcome. Mixon is working his way back into the lineup while progressing through the concussion protocols. If Mixon can’t answer the bell for Chris, Tony Pollard or Antonio Gibson easily outscore whatever Huey can roll out there. Take the Recliners and 5
Spread Beaters (-9) vs. Band Aids: Bob has officially punted the season, but he keeps putting up some big numbers. Is this the dreaded trap game for Pringle and the Spread Beaters? It actually is shaping up to be a potential two-week trap game for the Beaters as the woeful Invalids loom next week. Once the trade of Zeke clears, this line might open up a bit more for the Beaters. Jeff Wilson Jr. going up against his former team (the 49ers) might be the best RB option for Bob to team with David Montgomery (woof). We could roll out the ghosts of Eric Dickerson and Marshall Faulk for Bob this week and it likely will not be able to stop the Beaters’ RB duo of Derrick Henry and Kenneth Walker III. Toss in Beater WRs A.J. Brown and Chris Godwin and this could be a rout-in-waiting. Take the Beaters and 10.
Blowout Candidate of the Week
Rangers (-19) vs Invalids: There is nothing more to be seen here. Move along.
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