Saddles and Beaters join Recliners in the postseason, but it will be a three-way dogfight for the fourth and final spot
Evan Engram's career day helped the Packers remain in the hunt for the final playoff spot.
The Saddles and Spread Beaters did what they needed to do last weekend: win and get in. But they took opposite paths to do so. The Beaters blasted their way to the postseason with a big win over the Invalids; the Saddles barely won a brutally low-scoring affair with one of the three teams after last place. OK, I guess in reality the Beaters have a .00001% chance of not making the playoffs (ESPN says 9%, I disagree), but I think the things that must happen for that to occur are so unlikely I refuse to accept that it could actually happen. The Recliners, who popped the champagne a week earlier, lost to the Rangers and opened up the three-way melee for the final playoff spot.
The Rangers, by virtue of that upset win over the Recliners, appear to have the inside track at the last playoff spot by virtue of an 8-6 record. But hold on a minute: they close with the Beaters, who are the second-highest scoring team in the league.
The Tirades (7-7) and the Packers (also 7-7) will have something to say about that, as both teams have the points-scored edge over the Rangers and both have easier opponents to finish the season. But I don't want to steal the thunder from Vern's preview, so we'll stick to the rear-view mirror from now on and look at what transpired in Week 14.
Packers 117, Tirades 67: Sure, we all expected the Pack to win this one. They always seem to win the second meeting of the season between the two teams. But by 50 frigging points? No way. I blame TE Evan Fucking Engram, who scored a career-high 28 points. His previous high this season was 11 and that was three months ago. Every starter for the Packers scored in double-figures except the Miami defense and it was the highest-scoring output of the season for Jeff Lambert's team, which topped the century mark for the fourth time on the year. Josh Allen scored 19, Ja'Marr Chase 17 and Josh Jacobs 16 in the win. ESPN's auto-lineup selector was fired after the loss by the Tirades management after starting RB Rhamondre Stevenson (zero points, ankle injury) over Miles Sanders, who scored more than 20 on the bench for the second straight week. Not that Sanders' 28 would have mattered; the Tirades would have still lost by 22.
Rangers 64, Recliners 51: When we said last week that the Recliners could take the last two weeks of the season off after clinching their division title, it was a joke, Chris Zimnoch. You were not meant to take that literally. The Rangers vaulted into (maybe temporary) sole possession of the fourth playoff position with this stunning upset, despite getting only 2 points for QB Derek Carr and 10 total from both RBs Travis Etienne and D'Onta Foreman. WR Justin Jefferson came through with 22 and K Justin Tucker added 11. The Recliners got 10 from Tom Brady's lame effort against the 49ers (and I ask: how did he score 10?) and 18 from Tony Pollard.
Saddles 64: Pillows 62: Blayze is thankful he got Ezekiel Elliott from his father-in-law for a six pack of Miller Lite and a pack of gum, because he'd have lost this one without Zeke's 13 points. Both stud RBs (Jonathan Taylor, Aaron Jones) were on a bye week and Tua had another off week, scoring only 11 (that's 15-12-11 in his last three weeks... time for Justin Herbert to go back in, coach?). The Pillow Biters, trying to close out a forgettable season, had 13 each from Zonovan Knight and Dak Prescott and in losing, dropped into a three-way tie for last place with the Band Aids and Invalids. The race for the bottom is really between the Pillows (1044 points) and the Invalids (1004 points), with the odds leaning heavily toward the Vern camp, since he's scored 40 fewer points and plays Blayze this weekend... but Blayze is averaging only 70 points his last two games, so... who knows. If Vern accidentally beats Blayze and Matt Huey's Pillows lose to the Packers...
Gerbils 86, Band Aids 66: As predicted, the Gerbils rode RB Christian McCaffrey to victory. McCaffrey scored 26 points, his second-highest effort of the season, in the 49ers rout of Tampa Bay last weekend. Too bad the Gerbils are out of contention; McCaffrey will be counted on even more with Deebo Samuel out with an injury. Austin Ekeler added 16 and Joe Burrow 16 for the Gerbs. Bob got some points from a guy who should be in jail and 12 from his kicker. Enough said.
Beaters 106, Invaiders 62: QB Jalen Hurts scored 29 points and RB Derrick Henry added 19 as Matt Pringle's Spread Beaters manhandled the Invalids. The Patriots defense had 20 and AJ Brown added 11 as the Beaters cemented the third playoff spot. QB Geno Smith led the Invalids with 20.
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