Revenge was the rallying cry for three of us in the Silent Division this week, after getting bloodied and smacked around by the Shit Talkers in Week 1. The Silent Division nearly returned the favor, taking three of the five matches in Week 2.
It was a simple case of us pushing away from the dinner table and proclaiming, “No more Jell-O for me, mom.” It sounded more impressive when I rehearsed it earlier.
The lone survivors from the revenge-sweep treatment were the Marietta Tirades and (shocking, I know) The Packers, both 2-0 and alone in first in the Shit Talker Division, and the only remaining unbeaten teams in the league. And, oh by the way, they face each other in Week 3. That unbeaten streak will end for one of them.
When asked after the game how he felt being one of the two last unbeaten teams, Tirades’ owner Ron Hender, in his true Bill Belichick style, mumbled, “If I am still there in November, you can ask me then. Otherwise, just leave me alone.”
Packers owner Jeff Lambert was unavailable for comment. He was reading the Racing Form and had no idea he had won.
The other three Shit Talkers are all tied for second, or last, whichever you prefer. The Spread Beaters, Recliners, and Invaiders all rallied for Week 2 wins to sit in first (at 1-1) atop the Silent Division. The Rangers and defending champ Pillow Biters were both handed their second losses of the young season.
The inter-league dance of death continues for six teams this week and divisional rivals clash in the other two. The Band Aids host the winless Rangers, the Invaiders and Saddles tangle, and the Recliners take on the Gerbils. Division rivalries resume as the two unbeatens – the Tirades and Pack – clash, and the Pillow Biters (a.k.a. The Consortium) look for their first win of the year at the Spread Beaters.
Tirades 75, Rangers 61: Rob Gronkowski (15 points) found the end zone two more times and Dalvin Cook (14 points) once as the Tirades hung on in this low-scoring affair. Patrick Mahomes put the win away for good Sunday night with 23 points. The Rangers were led by the Tampa defense (18 points), the Charger quarterbacks (14) and Justin Jefferson (12). Unfortunately, there was not much help on the bench.
Spread Beaters 102, Blazing Saddles 76: The Spread Beaters hung on to a share of the Silent Division lead behind 31 points from Lamar Jackson Sunday night and the 19 points and 2-touchdown effort by Mike Evans (welcome back to the party!), 15 from Nick Chubb and 12 from Damien Harris. For the Saddles, Jalen Hurts hung 21 points on the board against my Niners (grrrr), and Najee Harris had his first good game of the season (13 points) in a loss to the Raiders. Mike Prater was his next high-scoring player but we don’t give kickers any love in this league.
Packers 102, Pillow Biters 98: Aaron Jones hung 34 points on The Consortium Monday night, sending the defending champs reeling. Josh Allen helped the Pack win with 16 points, and Chris Godwin added 12 points. Derrick Henry went off in the second half at Seattle to rush for nearly 200 yards and four scores en route to a league-high 41 this week. The Consortium’s QB pick (Baker Mayfield) rallied to gain a little dignity with 17 and De’Andre Hopkins scored and posted 11 points. Boner of the week again goes to starting the Cleveland QB. The Texans left 22 points rotting on the bench again. The Las Vegas kicker, gasp, scored 17 – Huey, you always start Raiders against Jeff. His starting kicker (Miami) got blanked at Buffalo.
Recliners 103, Band Aids 88: Bob just stunk up the joint in this one as the Recliners rode the aging arm of Tom Brady to a team-high 30 points and the New England defense posted 19. Ezekiel Elliott pulled himself off of the scrap head to score a touchdown and add 15 points.
Twenty six points from Aaron Rodgers, and 23 from Tyler Lockett was the only saving grace for the bLAnd Aids. Greg the Leg was the only other OCer in double figures with 10. Pee-yew, And, why didn’t you stink like that last week. After the game, all Band Aids owner Bob Garcia could say was, “How the hell did the Invaiders score that many points?” Focus, Bob. Focus.
Invaiders 109, Gerbils 88: The highest-scoring team in Week 1 came back down to earth with a thud in Week 2. Not that the Invaiders won this one. It was more like Chuck gave it to me.
“Hey, this is the first win I’ve had in September in, like, five years,” a dazed Vern said while holding a bottle of champagne aloft in the winner’s locker room. “It is never too early to uncork some of this. Know what I mean?” He added, “Even better, Garcia lost.” The Invaders topped the century mark behind the effort of two players --- the 33 points from the Arizona quarterbacks and 22 points from Buffalo (stock up on any defense playing against Miami). Austin Ekeler got his first start of the year and added 13 points. The Gerbils got 19 from Christian McCaffrey, 15 from RB Chris Carson and 14 from the Tennessee QBs and that was about it.
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