Well, unless you had Tua Tagovailoa or (gasp!) Mac Jones. To wit: Aaron Rodgers' season ended after four plays, while Josh Allen, Joe Burrow, Dak Prescott led a group of underperforming quarterbacks.
Aaron Rodgers career with the New York Jets lasted all of four plays on Monday night.
Well, it's a good thing I didn't take the Green Bay quarterbacks. Now I'd be stuck with that idiot Zach Wilson instead of being able to bench Brock Purdy. Yeah, I know, Wilson ended up with a win last night after Rodgers tore his achillies tendon on his fourth snap as a Jet. But it took a mind-boggling catch by Garrett Wilson on a poorly-thrown ball to get the Jets in position to win in the first place, and it was the Jets defense that kept them in the game all night. Anyway, there was a ton to unpack in week one action of the JSFL, and we still don't have a weekly update in the baseball fantasy league as playoffs begin there, so yours truly has won the update post race for the week. Yay!
What wasn't a surprise were week one winners. The Band Aids won easily over the Invalids, but apparently not big enough for ESPN as they've dropped two spots in the season-predictor-thingy and are now third. And ESPN must favor senior citizens as the newly-crowned 60-year-old commissioner's Packers jumped to the No. 1 spot despite scoring onlt 73 points in a win over his brother John's Rangers. The Spread Beaters blew out the Gerbils, scored 114 points and moved up only to second... WTF, ESPN? The Invalids dropped to sixth after the loss to the Band Aids and the only real accuracy in these rankings are at the bottom, where Blayze Hanson's Saddles and your truly's Tirades will continue their season-long quest for a perfectly awful, winless season (and first pick in next season's draft).
With that in mind, here are the game recaps...
BEATERS 114, GERBILS 56: The defending champions are not showing any signs of slowing down this season as they took Chuck Nelson's Gerbs to the woodshed. Tyreek Hill led the way with 33 points and five teammates, including Chris Olave, added 11. The Gerbils got 21 from keeper RB Austin Eckeler and not much else.
WTNE* 83, SADDLES 60: That asterisk/acronym stands for Worst Team Name Ever, aka CPU1, which despite the lame moniker, won as expected over the hapless Blazing Saddles. Christian "Should Be A Tirade" McCaffrey scored 22 and QB Justin Herbert added 20. Calvin Ridley made the mistake of scoring 16 for the Saddles and was immediately traded to the opposing team (this deal may have gone down at halftime for all we know) for backup WR Marquise "Won't Score Much" Brown. Mission accomplished, Blayze! We hear this trade also included Jordan Garcia's first-round draft pick in 2024, which also has to be a record for earliest date a first-round pick has been traded. Since trading my first worked out so well for me last year, I guess we'll see you in last place next season, Jordan!
BAND AIDS 82, INVALIDS 68: Patrick Mahomes may have not looked great last Thursday but he still managed to score 19 and lead Bob Garcia's team to victory. First-round draft pick Bijan Robinson scored 13, as did keeper WR Amon-ra St. Brown. As for Vern's RB tandem of Saquon Barkley and Jahmyr Gibbs, who he predicted would take points away from St. Brown? Nope. They combined for 11.
RECLINERS 80, TIRADES 63: Chris Zimnoch's RB tandem, on the other hand, won this one as Aaron Jones and Tony Pollard combined for 44 points in an easy win over the hapless Tirades, who appear to be following in the Saddles quest at an 0-14 regular season. The Tirades had two players who refused to score a single point, so they were able to avoid having to trade their top scorer (kicker Jake Elliott had 17) at halftime. Also, Tirades keeper WR Cooper Kupp started the season on the IR, so way to go with that choice (instead of Mahomes, Travis Kelce or Stefon Diggs). Sheesh.
PACKERS 73, RANGERS 49: Travis Etienne Jr. scored 15 points and the 49ers defense added 13 as Jeff won the battle of the Lamberts. John's Rangers were disappointed by Jalen Hurts, who only could put up 12 points, but did get 15 from keeper WR Justin Jefferson.
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