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Writer's pictureRon Hender

It's a clean sweep for the ST Division

Yeah, it was one of those weekends. Scoring was down. Owners played the wrong players, a few stars just stunk, a few more left the field for extended injury stays, and the losses piled up for the Silent Division. Welcome to Week 1 of the JSFL.

All five Shit Talkers won, some by narrow margins.

The interleague action continues in Week 2 with the Rangers at the Tirades, the Pillow Biters at the Pack, the Saddles at the Spread Beaters, the Invaiders at the Gerbils and the Recliners at the Band Aids. God help us all.

Expect a busy series of transactions when the waiver wire opens at 10 a.m.

Tirades 93, Recliners 88: Four touchdowns from Patrick Mahomes was enough to overcome several lineup blunders and a scary injury to RB Raheem Mostert. The Tirades left 21-point efforts by Adam Thielen and Rob Gronkowski on the bench. But touchdowns from starters Dalvin Cook, D.K. Metcalf and Logan Thomas overcame the 20-point performance from Recliners Joe Mixon and a 2-touchdown 19-point effort by Travis Kelce.

Packers 89, Rangers 74: There was no brotherly love in this one. Deebo Samuel posted 23 points to lead the Packers. David Montgomery added 17 and Chris Godwin 15 for the Pack. Aaron Jones nearly got blanked in the Green Bay mess at Jacksonville. Tyreek Hill countered with a touchdown and 25 points for the Rangers. The game was over early when Ronald Jones III was blanked in the Thursday opener at Tampa. I told y'all that Leonard Fournette was the guy in Tampa, now do you believe me?

Saddles 69, Pillows 67: Neither one of these guys should have won this one, but someone had to. Blayze didn’t suck as bad as Huey’s Consortium. Everyone shook their head when Huey took Baker Mayfield, and that decision came back to bite him in Week 1. Blayze’s Jalen Hurts posted 28 and Baker posted a dismal 11. DaVonta Smith scored 13 for the Saddles, former Badger Jonathan Taylor posted 11 points, and Keenan Allen added 10. DeAndre Hopkins scored two TDs and 20 points for the defending champions. A.J. Brown added 10. Derrick Henry was handcuffed by Arizona and Mike Davis also laid an egg. Huey’s backup quarterback, Tyrod Taylor in Houston, left 23 points on the bench. RB De’Andre Swift also left 15 on the bench.

Gerbils 104, Spread Beaters 88: What the heck happened to the Spread Beaters? We'll tell you what. Amari Cooper (25), that's what. And Christian McCaffrey (17) and T.J. Hockenson (17), is what happened. The preseason favorite to win, the Spread Beaters countered with 20 from Nick Chubb, 19 from Lamar Jackson and 16 from Darren Waller, who technically could have scored 65 given the number of targets he had Monday night. I don’t think Raiders QB David Carr can see any number other than 83. Of course, the one time Waller was wide open, 35 yards downfield late in the first half last night, Carr didn't see him and checked down to a running back for a 5-yard gain.

Band Aids 89, Invaiders 79: Fourteen years of futility continued for the Invaiders. 14 years! They have not won a season opener in 14 freaking years. Hell, the Cleveland Browns have won more openers in the last decade (one!) than the Invaiders, except they've had some variety, losing against a plethora of teams, including the Chiefs on Sunday. Vern just loses his openers to Bob's Band Aids. The streak was extended when Josh Jacobs scored twice Monday and completed the Band Aids’ comeback for the win. For Vern, he steadfastly went into this season saying things would change, the streak would be broken. "This year felt different," Vern said. "I felt like I was looking a level two-foot putt, but when the scoring started, it was Bob’s guys getting into the end zone, and not mine." Even a turd laid by Aaron Rodgers was not enough to turn this tide. "Suck on THAT!" said Bob. Vern is in seclusion, and is considering retirement. "I quit. I really do," Vern said. "And, I blame Matt’s dumb-ass QB Lamar Jackson for his brutal fumble late in the fourth quarter Monday that set up Jacobs’ game-winning TD!" It was also another early birthday present for Bob, who turns 39 on Sunday.

"Oops!" said Lamar Jackson, after coughing up the ball and dooming his real team and the Spread Beaters to eventual defeat.



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