Yes, our preview writer is so desperate for subject matter for this week's installment he's going for the classic cliche route
Woe is a pass from Wolford. Just ask Cooper "I Got Fucked by Wolford" Kupp.
Don’t you just hate it when a sportswriter or sports channel goes to the lame, “If the playoffs started this week” crap to drum up interest in a boring slate of teams headed for the $$$$? Or, if the reporter is just too lazy to drum up real interest in said slate of games.
Yeah, well, screw it.
I’m tapped this week for anything fun to write about, and, in the wake of the Cooper “Fucking” Kupp ankle injury last Sunday and the “woe is me” lamenting of Ron Hender that has transpired since that trade went down, I go to the old-reliable “If the playoffs started this week” bailout.
Poor Ron was just beside himself on Monday. The season was over. All his hopes had been flushed down the toilet with some moron throwing lame passes for the Rams. Now, Kupp is banged up and on injured reserve, meaning he misses at least the next four games. He might miss the rest of the season if the Rams are out of by the time he is healed.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “You are one game out of first place. And, you trail Blayze, for god’s sake. You know that is a slippery slope.”
I added, “You hold the rights to the fourth playoff spot if the playoffs started this week.”
That quieted him down a bit, and got me to thinking, “Hey, that is not a bad topic to bring up to cheer up the poor guy.”
And, guess what, Ron? Things are looking brighter than you might imagine. You are one of only three teams that gets the pleasure of two dances in the final 5 weeks of the regular season with the league’s two lowest-scoring teams – the Invalids and the Band Aids. The other two teams with that inside straight to the Playoff$ are the aforementioned Blayze and his Blazing Saddles, and Matt Pringle and the Spreadbeaters. And, if the Playoff$ started this week, those three teams have the inside rail to the four playoff berths. The fourth, you ask? It would be Chris Zimnoch and his Recliners, who, as Ron pointed out in this week’s roundup of Week 10 action, have all but wrapped up the Silent Division crown (3 games clear of the Spreadbeaters with 5 to go; not a guarantee but pretty darned sweet).
“Not all eyes will weep for you, my friend,” I am still trying to say.
The Invalids will big underdogs and likely will lose the next 5 to the Tirades, Pillow Biters, Rangers, Spreadbeaters and Blazing Saddles.
The suddenly plucky Band Aids close against the Saddles, Packers, Spreadbeaters, Gerbils and the Tirades.
It is much tighter race in the Shit Talker Division. Blayze opened up a 1-game lead over two teams tied at 5-5 (the Tirades and the Packers). Still lurking are the Gerbils at 4-6 and even those Band Aids are not mathematically eliminated three games back at 3-7.
But, since this is a points league, it is the “Points For” tally in the expanded standings that shows who really is in the driver’s seat for postseason action. The Recliners and Spreadbeaters are the only two teams that have topped 900 points this season.
Blayze currently holds the honors as the current top seed in the junior circuit, but the Tirades and Packers both have scored more than Blayze this season if it comes down to tiebreakers. Score more points, Blayze. That’s the only advice you are going to get from me this season.
Week 11 byes – Four more teams are on vacation this week. Idle are Miami, Tampa Bay, Seattle and Jacksonville. We return to a full schedule in Week 12 before the final byes of the season start back up in Week 13. Adjust those lineups accordingly.
Game of the Week
Recliners (-13) vs Spreadbeaters: If Pringle has any hope of chasing down the Recliners for the top seed, the surge has to start this week. On paper, the Recliners are favored by ESPN by 13 points, but, as we found out last week, those projections aren’t worth crap as underdogs won four of the five games on the slate. The top three Recliners’ scoring leaders – Lamar Jackson, Joe Mixon and Saquon Barkley – all have potential big days forecasted in Week 11 and this game might be over early Sunday morning before most of Pringle’s studs take the field later in the day. Hop aboard the Barca Lounger steamroller. Recliners by 10.
Rest of the Best
Pillows (-4) vs Rangers: Six teams still mathematically alive for the postseason dot the remaining slate of interesting games this week. Topping that list is the Pillow Biters against the Rangers. The Biters look to be favored by closer to 10 points once he benches kicker Ryan Succop (on bye this week) for Matt Prater and his projected 7 points against the 49ers on Monday night. The running back tandem of Alvin Kamara and Nick Chubb might be too much for the Rangers’ WRs duo of Justin Jefferson and Davante Adams to overcome.
Take the Biters by 10.
Gerbils vs. Packers (pick ‘em): Chuck still has two lineup adjustments to make by Sunday morning, including dropping a defense as both of his (Tampa Bay and Miami) are on bye this week. He also needs to insert a WR for Jaylen Waddle (also on bye). If Ja’Marr Chase (questionable and not practicing as of this writing Wednesday) can go for the Pack, this line might lean Jeff’s way. We still like the Gerbs’ running game (Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler) over the Pack RB duo of Josh Jacobs and Dameon Pierce. The receiving corps advantage seems to favor the Pack. Take the Pack by 3 because Jeff always finds a way to win.
Blazing Saddles vs. Band Aids (pick ‘em): ESPN has this one lined up as a potential tie. The suddenly plucky Band Aids, who seem determined to hand the first pick in the 2023 draft to the Invalids with a win, appear to be a not-so-easy team to pick against anymore. Waiver wire add Justin Fields has been lighting up the scoreboard for the Band Aids and Bob looks to get back injured RB Ezekiel Elliott, WR Keenan Allen and TE Mark Andrews this week.
Because Miami is on a bye, Blayze has to turn back to Justin Herbert against the visiting Kansas City Chiefs in the featured Sunday night game. Jonathan Taylor, reborn after the firing of the Indianapolis head coach, looks rejuvenated under a return to a “run-first” offense with Matt Ryan back at QB for the Colts. Take the Saddles by 2 because no one would believe me if I picked the Band Aids.
Blowout of the Week
Tirades (-30) vs Invalids: Those “woe is me” Tirades earn the honors for the huge betting line (without Cooper “Fucking” Kupp in the mix) over my lowly Invalids. Winning will heal a lot of wounds and warts, and the Tirades will get back on the winning side of things and might find themselves back in a first-place tie in the division if the Band Aids can pull off the upset.
Tirades by at least 25.
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